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Worker #3116

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SURF'S UP! PIZZA! [Aug. 18th, 2004|01:39 pm]
Worker #3116

Woah, Dudes! You love to read my diary for its excellent celebrity gossip and its secrets. But guess what? I LOCKED MY DIARY! If you want to read excellent celebrity gossip and secrets, leave me a comment and I will make you my best friend, or send me an email at worker3116@gmail.com and I will send you the password to guest3116, an AWESOME new way to read my diary forever! You don't want to miss out on all the pizza and surfing.

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Fact #1 [Jul. 20th, 2004|04:21 pm]
Worker #3116
I am, like, so not funny.
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Smooth Operator [Dec. 11th, 2003|03:37 pm]
Worker #3116
I think I would be a good car salesman. I don't go for the hard sell the way some of these slick characters do. I let the customer get comfortable, bring them into my confidence, and then I say one sentence. That's all it takes, one sentence and they'll sign anything I tell them to. I could sell water to a drowning man, which is not an easy thing to do because they are drowning and it would seem that water is the last thing they need, but I could! Bucketfuls! Have a seat. They sit. You like that car? They nod, but then indicate that it's a bit pricey for them. I'm sure we can work something out. They hesitate. There is hesitation in their eyes. I give them my pitch:

"Buy this car, or everyone will know that you are a faggot."

If they are a lady:

"Buy this car, and I promise you will be engaged to a Jewish doctor within six months."

I'm moving cars off the lot like a diarrhetic moving bowels.
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Flu Season [Dec. 11th, 2003|02:09 pm]
Worker #3116
If I didn't know better, I would think that no one had ever had the flu before. Every five minutes some journalist is reporting that there is a bad case of the flu going around and NOT ENOUGH VACCINE!!! Isn't it called flu season because it happens every year? Like winter? No one's like, winter is coming and it's ALREADY COLD OUTSIDE!!!

Apparently, if you haven't gotten your flu shot yet you are a dead man.
I will miss you.
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Tom Jones [Dec. 11th, 2003|12:21 pm]
Worker #3116
Who can afford to throw a perfectly good pair of underwear at a singer?

Certainly no one I know.

Ladies, if you really want to show him you care, throw a new pair of Fruit Of The Loom boxer-briefs that he can actually wear. He'll thank you for it, and your panties won't end up on ebay selling for a paltry $1.75 plus shipping.
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Photo Finish [Dec. 11th, 2003|10:35 am]
Worker #3116
Today we have a tie for the Corporate Casual Headline of the Day.

"Hall and Oates Deemed 'Heroes' of Music"
(taken from salon.com)

My only comment is ha ha ha h-h-ha ha ha cough ha ha ha.

"Postal Service Denounces Mad TV Sketch"
(taken from salon.com)

Why bother? Does anybody even watch Mad TV?

And, for one day only, I would like to present the Corporate Casual Religious News Headline of the Day. Here, too, we have a tie:

"Priest Told to Stop Giving Out Pamphlets"
(taken from salon.com)

If you need more, the priest was ordered by the diocese to stop passing out anti-gay pamphlets because they bordered on the pornographic. Read: "Priest Told to Stop Passing Out Copies of Blue Boy."

That was fun, but a tie is a tie:

"Boston Archdiocese Mortgages Cathedral"
(taken from salon.com)

Do you think the mortgage broker felt just a little bit guilty about gouging the shit out of the Roman Catholic Church on the 15 year variable rate for their Cathedral? It's kind of a damned if you do damned if you do situation, no?
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Spell-Checka Deck [Dec. 11th, 2003|09:54 am]
Worker #3116
I know that before they were famous, a lot of rap stars couldn't afford a computer because they were poor and living in the ghetto, so I would like to offer my services as a spell-checker. The following is a list of the corrected names of your favorite hip-hop stars.

Big Boy
The Brat
Buster Rhymes
DJ Enough
Easy E
Erika Badu
50 Cents
Fabulous Five Freddy
Ice Tea
Inspector Deck
Jeru the Damager
Killer Priest
Criss Cross
Little Bow Wow
Little Cease
Little Kim
Little Romeo
Master Killer
Memphis Bleak
Michelle Ndegeocello
Most Deaf
Old Dirty Bastard
Pepper (of Salt and Pepper)
Sanitary Swab (Q-Tip is a registered trademark, sir)
Snoop Doggy Dog
Sticky Fingers
Young Bloods

There you go fellas (and ladies). I think you'll find rap is even more fun when it is grammatically correct!
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Racism and Weddings [Dec. 11th, 2003|09:17 am]
Worker #3116
As I mentioned yesterday (see entry: A Message to Sotheby's), my copy of Ghettopoly did arrive in the mail. Now, although I stand by my claim that it makes no sense to ban something just because it represents a point of view or a stereotype that you don't like, this game is racist as shit. I'm not sure if it's having a crack pipe as a game piece, or purchasing properties such as Creme of Sum Yung Gui in "Chinatown" or "Paco's Loco Burrito" in "Wetbacktown". Granted, I think there is a hillbilly on one of the squares, so it's not like they don't insult the most obviously insultable of the Caucasian race in addition to niggaz, chinks, and spics.

While we are talking about offensive things, I somehow managed to get sucked in to watching Ryan and Trista's wedding on ABC last night. I'm not sure that I could do the terribleness of this show justice. It was the worst piece of crap that I have ever seen in my entire life, and that includes the pilot episode of Whoopi and that movie about retards, Powder (which I have seen three times, I fuck with you not). The best way to describe the pain of watching Trista and Ryan's wedding would be like having sex with an eighty year old demented cripple and your mom walks in on you two seconds before orgasm.
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The Difference Between Chloë Sevigny and Bobby Brown is No Difference at All [Dec. 11th, 2003|08:42 am]
Worker #3116
3000 years ago, when the movie Kids was out in theaters, I was hanging out with some friends of mine in front of a downtown movie theater when a homosexual man came up to us. In addition to being doomed to an eternity of suffering for the sin of sodomy, he was also friends with one of my friends, and so he started talking to us. He pointed to the picture of a young, stoned Chloë Sevigny on the movie poster:

Did you see this movie man? Chloë Sevigny, she's got AIDS and shit, right, and she gets all high on ecstasy cuz she had to do something to take her mind off that shit. She was lookin all good with her makeup runnin' down her face and all sweaty and shit.

This sentiment is interesting to keep in mind in light of the realization I had this morning, with stunning clarity, that if I was Bobby Brown, I would take crack. Shit. He's gotta' do something to take his mind off the fact that he's Bobby Brown.
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Science Wednesday [Dec. 10th, 2003|03:56 pm]
Worker #3116
Today's CCHOD is dedicated to all of you nerds out there, which is all of you. Just as a little preface to today's headline, I would like you to know, now that you are adults, that when your parents told you that people only tease you to make themselves feel better because they have low self-esteem, they were lying. This is what parents tell losers. In reality people make fun of you because you are a miserable failure at life. No one likes you.

"Student Finds Largest Known Prime Number"
(taken from the New York Times)

A more appropriate wording of this headline would be "Something Happens That No One Cares About." The number here referred to is 2 to the 20,996,011th power minus 1. I especially like the "minus 1" part. That's what makes this event meaningful to the guy who discovered the number, and his mom, who thinks everything her boy does is just really, really special.

From the article: "As for [the biggest nerd ever]'s own standing in the world of mathematics, 'I don't think I'm going to be recognized as I go down the street or anything like that.'"

Wow, somebody call the Theater of the Obvious. I don't think this guy will even need to audition.

The truly tragic aspect of this nerd's already morbid existence is that he didn't discover anything. He simply connected to a network developed by real scientists and allowed his computer to be used in conjunction with 19,999 other computers to search for the number. It's like if someone got credit for running that flying toasters screensaver on their computer.

In closing, I would like to offer one last rewriting of today's headline:
"Student Finds Himself Alone All the Time."
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